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Today's jokes [10.5.09]

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   A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market
   looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster,
   one that could service all of his many hens.
   He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just
   the rooster for you". Dom here is the horniest rooster you will ever
   So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose in
   the henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk.
   "Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
   And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast as
   he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much
   squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having his
   way with each hen.
   But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the
   horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to
   the pighouse, where he did the same.
   The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop,
   Dom,you'll kill yourself."
   But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
   Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there
   on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and
   his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom.
   The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you
   did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
   "Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer."


How do you clean a condom?

Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it!


A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm 
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean 
over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks 
him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the 
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. 
What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."


   A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching
   you!" "who's
   there?" The robber said But no sound was heard. So he kept going and
   he heard it two
   more times when he spotted a parrot. "What's your name," the robber
   asked. "Cocodora"
   said the parrot. "Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora"
   said the robber.
   "The same idiot who named the rotweiler Jesus", said the parrot.


"Jim will not be in today.  He is not feeling himself.  Thank you."


1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness
   to fake.
10. He is feeling others.

:) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick Gass


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