Today's jokes [10.30.09]

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A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car
is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches,
dirt and blood.  He asks his friend,
"What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer".

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about 
the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally 
sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut 
through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became 
lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled 
back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing 
with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other 
lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home". 

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 
124.7" 

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by 
the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on 
the far end of the runway." 

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure 
on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" 

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and 
yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our 
caterers."

Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

Teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do ?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?"

"He turned blue and shat on the carpet."

A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.
They had the following conversation: 
Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
Woman: Ok. 
Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
Woman: Ok. 
Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me 
what's wrong with me Dr.?
Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.

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