Today's jokes [10.27.09]
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Appear to Work Late. Always leave the office late,
especially when the boss is still around. You could read
magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but
have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk
past the boss' room on your way out. Send important emails
at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc...) and during
Noon in the jungle.
Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He
rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.
Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and
they are laughing their heads off.
Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you laughing?"
Elephant: "We are fucking some monkeys"
Lion: "Well, I do that as well, but I don't see what's so funny about
Elephant: "Because they don't burst when YOU cum."
(Alternatively, Elephant: "Because they don't turn inside-out when YOU
pull it out.")
How to be a Good Wife
Excerpted from a 1950's high school home economics textbook
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal--on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good
meal is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you'll be
refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in
your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a life.
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up the school
books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order,
and it will give you a lift, too.
Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if
necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he
would like to see them playing the part.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the
children to be quiet. Be happy to see him; greet him with a smile
and be glad to see him.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in
the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft,
soothing, and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home
Your goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
What did one of the blonde's legs say to the other one?
Between you and me we could make a lot of money!
A MAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for
work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all
patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries.
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her
off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining
what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women"
online. Pass gas.
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