Today's jokes [10.25.09]
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A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at
the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts
all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
If government is going to put health warning labels on
beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath
that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring
story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what
you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
ever happened to your pants (panties) anyway. WARNING: Consumption of
alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something
really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really, really huge biker
guy named "Big Al".
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that
he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him,
"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."
Understanding Your Paycheck
GROSS PAY: $1222.02
INCOME TAX OUTGO TAX STATE TAX INTERSTATE TAX COUNTY TAX
244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11
CITY TAX RURAL TAX BACK TAX FRONT TAX SIDE TAX
12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61
UP TAX DOWN TAX KNICKNACK TAX HACKENSAC TAX THUMBTAX
2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98
CARPET TAX SNACK TAX SURTAX MA'AM TAX PARKING FEE
0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00
NO PARKING FEE F.I.C.A. T.G.I.F. LIFE INS. HEALTH INS.
10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23
DISABILITY INS. ABILITY INS. LIABILITY INS. DENTAL INS. MENTAL INS.
2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33
FUNDAMENTAL INS COFFEE COFEE CUPS CALENDAR RENTAL FLOOR RENTAL
0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85
CHAIR RENTAL DESK RENTAL UNION DUES UNION DON'TS CASH ADVANCES
4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69
CASH RETREATS OVERTIME UNDERTIME EASTERN TIME CENTRAL TIME
121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00
MOUNTAIN TIME PACIFIC TIME DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME TIME OUT
7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21
OXYGEN WATER ELECTRICITY HEAT AIR CONDITIONING
10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83
TAKE HOME PAY: $0000.02
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