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Today's jokes [10.24.09]

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How do you get four elephants into a Mini?
Two in the front, two in the back.


1. 




Willy's rolling down the hall of a retirement home acting
like he's driving a car, an orderly turns the corner and
asks Willy what he's doing.

Willy replies, "I'm going to Chicago for the weekend."

The orderly chuckles and enters Bob's room to check on him.
He catchs Bob pleasuring himself, when asked what he is doing,
Bob replies,"I'm screwing Willy's old lady while he's away
in Chicago."

2. 




A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were 
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, 
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
        The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
        The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
        Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
        The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
        The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
        The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
        The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
        Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
        The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
        The admiral says, "That's nothing."
        He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
        The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
        The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
        The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
        The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains 
too!"

3. 




   A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go duck hunting.
   
   He tells his wife, "You've got three choices; you can go duck hunting
   with me, I'll do ya anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna
   load up the truck and get the dog out. Make up your mind before I get
   back."
   
   Hubby returns twenty minutes later and says, "Well what's it gonna
   be?"
   
   She say's, "There's no way I'm going duck hunting and you're not doing
   my ass so I guess it's a blowjob."
   
   A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says,
   "Jesus, you taste like shit."
   
   "Oh yeah," he replies, "The dog didn't want to go duck huntin'
   either."
   


4. 




"First," said the playboy,
"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

5. 



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