Today's jokes [10.22.09]

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This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm 
needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't 
read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. 
She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't 
repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." 
She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"
And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"
 

What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?

"Not according to Dad."

A man went to his dentist because he feels something
wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,
"that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is
eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "all
I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made
some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put
it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is
highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make
you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why
chrome?" asks the patient. 

To which the dentist replies,
"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like
chrome for the Hollandaise!"

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion
came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How
funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"

After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed
the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course,
and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring,
he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time
to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had
to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.

Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.

The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.
The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's
shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.

A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter
reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"

From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one that
screwed the lion in the ass?"

Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?" 

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown
and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

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