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Today's jokes [10.15.09]

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During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across 
the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing 
along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The 
commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run 
up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the
advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general 
stops the troops and waits to see what happens.

Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to 
investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be 
seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find 
out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, 
too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire
division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.

But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and 
cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's 
hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

1. 




A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I
   would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the
   pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".
   Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
   "They"re packed with nutrients".
   The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
   him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
   day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so
   on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
   top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into
   the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out
   of the tree.
   Moral of the Story:
   Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.


2. 




A horse wanders into a bar and orders a tall one.
The bartender says, "Hey fella, why the long face?" 

3. 




There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll
be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing
just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all
those watermelons!" 

4. 




   The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
   weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
   and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."


5. 



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