Today's jokes [10.1.09]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Send to Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
What are the three words you don't want to hear while making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy
a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd
still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000
pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw
enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the
space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster
that let's you control how light or dark you want your toast
to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to
find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters,
but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread
only works with their toasters.
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and
they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It
rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I
knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm
clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to
show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a
bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed
toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning
slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just
as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth
shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For
no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.
Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink
with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago
wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can,
sending him flying way off into the jungle.
"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.
"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."
A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time, and caught a
judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He
asked if they had a license and, when they didn't, sent them off to get
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the
license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they
had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice
versa. They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in
the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued
licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there
are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and
any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3
4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17
18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26 27 28 29 30 31