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Today's quotes [1.13.09]

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"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it 
like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should 
give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they 
leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

                                            - Bob Ettinger


"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they
weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

                                     - Paula Poundstone


"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh."

                                     - Conan O'Brien


"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears
comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner."

                                       - Roseanne


"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York 
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't
cold enough. Let's go west.'"

                                            - Richard Jeni


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