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Today's jokes [1.7.09]

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So the new conductor addresses the orchestra. He tells them that
things are going to change, that everyone will be expected to be
on time and that they will work for many long hours. The timpanist,
expressing his displeasure at the turn of events, belts out on the
drums BOOM-BOOM- BOOM-BOOM. The conductor, whirling around
furiously, says, "Alright, who did that?!" 

1. 




What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

2. 




Two young girls were talking about their sex lives when the first girl 
says, "Oh my god! , it was really great, but I was Sooo scared after his 
rubber broke.
I didn't get a good night's sleep for a week."
"What happened." Says her intrigued friend.
"I didn't know what I was going to do, but I was finally able to get the 
last little piece of it out with dental floss."

3. 




The South Takes a Cue from Oakland 



Everyone is familiar with the plan to teach Ebonics in such leftist enclaves as California and
Massachusetts. "Ebonics," a neologism created by combining "Ebony" and "phonics," is supposed 
to be the language of the untermenschen, the urban underclass.

Here in the South, we have a similar movement, called "Bubbonics!" Created from mixing "Bubba"
and "phonics," we too have an entirely separate language from English. Like Ebonics, Bubbonics 
has a slightly different alphabet and different pronunciations from standard English. For 
example, the English language includes the letter "L" although Bubbonics does not. Likewise, 
vowel pronunciation in Bubbonics is different from English pronunciation.

Take, for example, the following sentences in English, and their translation into Bubbonics:

Can I help you?
Kin ah hip ewe?

Hi, I'm Don Fowler.
Hah, ahm Dahn Fah-wah.

The discerning English speaker quickly notices that Bubbonics has fewer vowel sounds than 
English, and the primary vowel sound is "ah." The letters A and E are generally replaced with 
the sound of a short i.

For the advanced scholar, there are actually many interesting comparisons between Ebonics and
Bubbonics. Indeed, there have even been suggestions that Ebonics is actually a degraded form 
of Bubbonics, which is itself a degraded form of English. Consider the following statement in
Bubbonics and their counterparts in Ebonics:

Ah axed ewe a quest-shun.
I axed you a question, sukka.

Ah be smaht.
I be smarts now.

Hooked ahn Bahbahnics wukks fuh me.
Hooked on 'bonics be wukking fo me.

If you're a native English speaker, and you can read the writing on the wall, then you know 
that your native tongue is soon to be as dead as Latin, spoken only in weird rituals or taught 
to kids in prep school.

And if you're a native English speaker and you CAN'T read the writing on the wall, it's 
probably already in Bubbonics or Ebonics, and you're just that far behind.

Gracefully surrender the things of your youth. Clean air. Tuna. Taiwan. The English language. 
And remember: Bilingual Education means teaching kids to be illiterate in two languages.

4. 




A man and a woman are on an elevator at the top of the
world's tallest building, when all of a sudden, the cable
snaps and the elevator starts plummeting to the ground. 
The emergency brakes don't work, the emergency phone
doesn't work, and they both begin to panic. 
The woman screams "We're going to die!", rips of all her
clothes, throws herself on the floor and says to the man
"make me feel like a woman again!" 
So, he pulls off his jacket, throws it on the floor, and
says "pick that up, bitch." 

5. 



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