Today's jokes [1.5.09]

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Q. Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?

A. Because she found out what the big boys eat. 

A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much
in the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me,
Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?"
"No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome?"
"A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of
Jesus."
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And who is responsible, then?"
"I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans." 

   Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day
   when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses,
   carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by a leash. Shocked
   that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a
   conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage. Then,
   curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"
   
   "Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."
   

Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...

What's the definition of the perfect woman?

She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat 
so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her 
teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns 
into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was
aproached by his assistant.
"Anything interesting happen over-night", asked the mortitian.
"Yes", replied the assistant, "The most gorgeous 18 year-old
blond came in last night. Dead of course"
"What was the cause of death", enquired the mortition.
"I'm not sure",replied the assistant. "But she's got a Prawn
stuck up her cunt!"
"Are you sure?", said the Mortitian.
"Yes, come and have a look for yourself" ,said the assistant
opening the body bag.
The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.
"That's not a prawn you stupid wanker", he responded, "That's
her clitoris"
"Are you sure?", said the assisitant,
"'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn". 

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