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The Nice Guy Test
Here is the much requested Nice Guy Test from Nice Guys Don't Get Laid
by Marcus Pierce Meleton, Jr.
Copywright 1993 by Sharkbait Press
1. How do you typically look when you arrive to pick up your date?
A. I wear my church clothes
B. I like to dress up. Sometimes I bring a small present or flowers
C. I dress casually unless I am very impressed with the woman
D. I'm late, dress as I want, and if I bring anything it's a sixpack of
E. I take a knife
2."Women are special." Is this statement true?
A. Yes, but they scare me
B. Most always
D. One or two, but only temporarily until I have my way with them. And
I will have my way with them
E. Only when tied and gagged
3. Genreally, when a girl cancels out of a date...
A. NOT APPLICABLE. I don't get the date in the first place
B. I get a weak excuse if I get one at all
C. She says she is sorry and would like to make it another time
D. She cries and begs for forgiveness. The only excuse I'll accept is
E. She moves, changes her name, and gets plastic surgery
4. When I meet a girl, I...
A. talk about mother
B. want to get to know her, find out who she is, and what she does
C. want to get to know her, but only if she is worth it
D. I see a conquest in the making
E. usually scare them off
5. I think women are...
A. like dear old mother
B. should be put on a pedistal
C. fanstastic sometimes
D. good for only one thing
E. the scourge of the earth
6. A girl cancels a date, gives a feeble excuse, and in the process,
blows your weekend.
A. you cry
B. you assume she told the truth and wanted to go with you
C. you are disappointed but might try again
D. it never occurs. If it did, there are others waiting in the aisles
E. You set dynamite to her house/apartment
7. On Valentine's Day...
A. I get a card from Mom
B. I send cards, but recieve few
C. I get some cards and send a few
D. I get a lot of cards and read only the ones I want. I send no cards
unless it scores points I can collect on later
E. I don't get any cards and I blame all women for it
8. I get dates...
A. through Mother
B. through a great deal of effort, including groveling and expensive
C. easily some times and hard other times. My success runs hot and cold
D. without effort. Many times they ask me
E. if I pay for them to go. Sometimes that just isn't enough
9. When I am at a bar...
A. I don't go to bars
B. I rarely get anywhere with women
C. I occasionally get a phone number
D. I score frequently
E. I dirnk till I pass out. Of course, this is only if they let me in
10. A girl I date for a long time quits seeing me because...
A. I am boring
B. I don't know why, many times it is for someone else
C. we fight too much
D. I told her to get lost, or she caught me fooling around
E. I threatened her life
11. When I settle down...
A. I want someone to help me tie my shoes and dress me
B. I want to get married and live like Ozzie and Harriet with lots of
C. I might want to get married. Kids are a maybe
D. I'll settle down when I am dead and buried
E. I can't settle down. The world is after me
A. is for grownups
B. is a pleasant way to spend a life
C. might be nice
D. is a mistake unless she is rich and beautiful and doesn't mind when I
E. is impossible
13. If I ever got married I would...
A. have to have Mother's approval
B. be forever faithful
C. be faithful, maybe
D. be faithful at least the first week, or until the first opportunity
to score, which ever comes first
E. lock her in a closet to keep her away from other men
14. I get laid...
A. What does "getting laid" mean?
B. at least once every two years, sometimes
C. a few times a year
D. I'm not sure how many times, but it's somewhere between 365 times a
year and whatever my hero Wilt Chamberlain says is his yearly average
E. never. But I get screwed a lot
15. Look at your charge card bills. Those related to women are...
A. mostly things I get for my mom
B. for dinners, flowers, presents, plays, etc.
C. for sports events, dinner, concerts, occasionally flowers
D. I never pay. If I do it is to buy beer or tickes to professional
wrestling or a tractor pull. Look on my date's credit card bill to see
the places I take her.
E. for semi-automatic weapons
Take your test results and grade it by giving each "A" answer 0 points,
1 point for each "B" answer, and so on up to 4 points for each answer "E".
Total your score and refer to the five groupings below:
0-8 MAMA'S BOY
Move back home, if you aren't there already. You are looking for a girl
just like the girl who married dear old dad. Women like that don't exist,
and if they do, they don't have any interest in you.
If a Mama's boy gets married, it is usually to a husband beater. They
are very rare and hopeless cases.
If you are a woman and like this type of man, they are an easy kill.
They are great if you want someone to control or abuse, or you want someone who
can not possibly fool around on you. It is prefereable that he has money or
stands to gain from an inheritance. The negitive side is that you will have
to fight with his mother (who probably lives with you) over him, listen
to his elephant jokes, and watch him read his subscription to "Mad" Magazine.
famous examples- Felix Unger in the Odd couple and Walter Mitty
9-22 MR. NICE GUY
You poor sap. You are everything a girl thinks she wants but not what
she is attracted to. Women chew you up and spit you out. You never get
If you are a woman and a guy you date rates as this type, you have it
made. The problem is there is no thrill of victory and little danger of loss
that can keep him interesting. If you have a conscience, you feel bad when
you inevitably dump him.
famous examples- ROSS, Harry Connick Jr. (his image anyway), Bobby Ewing
in Dallas, Tom Selleck, and Joel from Risky Business
23-37 MR. AVERAGE
Sometimes you are Mr. Nice Guy, and sometimes you aren't. It depends on
the woman in question. For men of this type, It means that you probably
want what you probably can't get.
For women, if he is strongly attracted to you, he will do anything for
you and behaves like Mr. Nice guy. If he is not attracted to you, he acts
like Mr. Abuse
famous examples- Burt Reynolds, Bruce Springstein, Chandler?, Joey?
38-52 MR. ABUSE
Mr. Abuse is the most sucessful with women. He is the one who gives the
least and gets the most. Rampant outbreaks of VD can usually be
controled from this source. Cure him, and you have cured the problem.
For women who seek such a man, he will ruin you, but the thrill of the chase,
the desire to win over and conquer him intrigues you and makes your life
famous examples- Wilt Chamberlain, Mike Tyson, J.R. Ewing, John Derek,
James Dean, Marlon Brando, Rob Lowe, Mickey O'Rourke, Jim Morrison, Pablo
Piccasso, Teddy Kennedy, and PAULO
53-60 MR. PSYCHO
You should be in Jail.
If you are a woman and this man comes to your home, pull out your .44 magnum,
open the door, and let him make your day. Mr. Psycho is as rare as
Mama's boy. If you are attracted to such a man, seek a Doctors help
famous examples- John Hinkley Jr., Woody Allen, Richard Speck, David
Koresh, Richard Ramierez, Ted Bundy, and Kevin Coe.
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man
mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very
excited by this,
was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up
his wife but
before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
head with the
blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell
you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,
it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No
more was said about the "statue."
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the
kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he
said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's
for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy, with a crap happy pappy.
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough
examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad
news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,
gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What
are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and
pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor.
"But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
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