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Today's jokes [1.28.09]

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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: "I look
horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."

He  replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."


A wife gets naked and asks her hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty
face or my  sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of  humor!" 


An elderly couple is attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just
let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new  battery in your hearing aid.'


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.  And she was somewhat upset. 

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- 
a faithful wife, the mother of your children!   I'm leaving you. I want a 
divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell
you what happened.' 

'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here
asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took
pity on her and let her into the car.   I noticed that she was very thin,
not well dressed and very dirty.  She told me that she hadn't eaten for
three days.   So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments.   Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and
while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes, so I threw them away.   Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the
designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because
you say they are too tight.   I also gave her the underwear that was your
anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
  I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 
'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to
the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do
you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'


Japanese scientists  have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, 
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth  shut.


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