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Today's jokes [1.27.09]

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Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.


1. 




On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to 
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all 
showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband 
says, "my dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is 
astonished.  "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are 
so beautiful, let me take your picture."
  
Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
  
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to 
my heart forever".
  
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into 
the bathroom to shower.
  
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do 
you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens 
his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a 
picture".
  
He beams and asks, "why?"
  
She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

2. 




An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing
problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and
they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than
twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for
seven days and comeback and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I
don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting
just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for
yourself?".

"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed
your
sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

3. 




When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse? 

Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips! 

4. 




"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?"
"Ask your mother," he replied.
"I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She 
said I came from a bucket."
"Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of itů"

5. 



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