Today's jokes [1.25.09]
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The clerk showed the man the store's most expensive perfume.
"This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk. "It's $285 per
"Listen," the man shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't want
something called 'Perhaps'; I want something called...
"You Can Bet Your Sweet Ass You'll Get Some !!"
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then
opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him these
lines to practice:
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think
I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."
Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly every
time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he said:
"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think
I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William Snakeshit...
Horseshit... Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn play anyway!"
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says,
"Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."
The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin,
"You know, you're right!"
A young couple were married and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all
night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the
bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When
she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing
his body for the first time to his bride.
Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped
and stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a small
part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's
what we had so much fun with last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
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