Today's jokes [1.22.09]

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A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street 
with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop 
pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously 
drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm 
drunk?"

Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I 
thought I was a cripple."

A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some
candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair
on the floor. 
"Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?" asked the barber. 
"Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!" said the girl! 

   A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like
   one of your special
   full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat
   girls reply from behind
   the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man.
   "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply.
   The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look
   like I have snotted
   on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot
   on the top, and
   freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with
   grease, with more rind
   than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease
   trickles in to the snotty egg
   and beans."
   "I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy
   little fat girl.
   "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.
   

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes 
in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to 
the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in 
the row ahead, intently watching the movie.  It even seemed to be enjoying 
the movie:  wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the 
sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.  After the 
movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,
"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie.  I'm amazed!"
"Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply.  "He hated the book."

What's the difference between women and men? 

     One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness. 

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