Today's jokes [1.20.09]

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   A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large
   glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the
   bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an
   ongoing challenge at this particular bar.
   
   "For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them
   all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest
   of the money."
   
   The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.
   
   "Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is.
   A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole
   one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy
   mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of
   he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."
   
   Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates
   his chest and prods the bartender on.
   
   "Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady
   who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you
   gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."
   
   "Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.
   
   "Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."
   
   Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into
   the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars
   stare on, having seen many men fail.
   
   After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his
   way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good
   half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the
   wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.
   
   As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to
   the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back
   door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye.
   The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and
   says,
   
   "Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth
   pulled?"
   

There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to 
the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane was
being rocked by some severe turbulence. So this 
kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said 
to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can 
do something about this...'
To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in 
sales, not management.'

The middle-aged married couple finally moved into the Condo of their
   dreams, but right next door to a very sexy fashion model. The husband
   had taken to borrowing this or that from their neighbor and it seemed
   to the wife that it always took him way too long to return.
   
   One time the wife had had enuff and actually pounded on the wall
   between the two apartments. There being no response she telephoned,
   only to get the answering machine. Finally she went to the model's
   door and just kept ringing the bell.
   
   When the model answered, the wife fumed,"I would like to know why it
   is my husband takes so damn long to get something over here."
   
   "Well sweetie," the model purred, "all these interruptions sure ain't
   helping none either."

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a 
while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." 

He says, "Why's that?" 

She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen 
minutes."

What's the difference between a homeless and a pizza? 

    A pizza can feed a family of four. 

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