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Today's jokes [1.19.09]

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A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right
thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits,
and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said
that he had discovered the main problem. 
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand,
and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this
is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" 
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what
time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"


What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?

Wayne takes a shower after three periods.


   An Unusual Ailment
   A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The
   man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't
   believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
   A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and
   wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe
   that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes
   yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
   The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
   "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis
   from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are
   The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
   very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The
   woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?" The
   man looks at her and says, "Pepper."


   Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
   indicating that
   "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the difference between
   boys and girls,"
   and would his mother,"please sit down and have a talk with Johnny
   about this."
   So johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
   bedroom,and closes the door.
   - first, johnny, I want you to take off my blouse.
   So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
   - ok, now take off my skirt...
   And he takes off her skirt.
   - now take off my bra.
   Which he does.
   - and now, johnny, please take off my panties.
   And when johnny finishes removing those, she says,
   "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"


A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to
ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't
open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after
you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary
"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to
ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.
He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't
open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that
goddamn truck won't be there either!"


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