Today's jokes [1.17.09]

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One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her 
husband with twin sons.  They loved the children very much, 
but couldn't think of what to name their children.  Finally, after 
several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names 
right now.  If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur 
to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife 
noticed a peculiar fact.  When left alone, one of the boys would 
also turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face 
inland.  It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the 
children, the same child always faced the same direction.  
"Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the 
fisherman.  His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys 
were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong.  The day 
came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it is 
time that learned how to make a living from the sea."  They 
provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a 
three month voyage. 

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet 
the ship had not returned.  Another three months passed, and 
still no ship. 

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a 
lone man walking towards her house.  She recognized him as 
her husband.  "My goodness!  What has happened to my 
darling boys?" she cried. 

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to see when Towards 
hooked into a great fish.  Towards fought long and hard, but the 
fish was more than his equal.  For a whole week they wrestled 
upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually 
the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled 
over the side of our ship.  He was swallowed whole, and we 
never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible!  What a huge fish that 
must of been! What a horrible fish.  What a horrible fish."

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away...."

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who
died January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged
23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

Definition:
Politics Poli (Poly): Many....   Tic(k)s: Blood sucking creatures 

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in a lift with the Spice girls.

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

                              by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky

                         from the Journal of Irreproducible Results, Vol 36, No. 1



As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that 
present hazards to the general public.  Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area.  This is especially
true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in
an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered
for sale in the United States of America.  Our Suggested list of required
warnings appears below.

Warning: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

Warning: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance
Between Them.

Caution: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85
Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

Handle with Extreme Care: This Product Contains Minute Electrically
Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million
Miles per Hour.

Consumer Notice: Because of the 'Uncertainty Principle,' It Is Impossible
for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This
Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

Advisory: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Known as 'Tunneling,' This Product May Spontaneously Disappear
from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the
Universe, Including Your NeighborUs Domicile.  The Manufacturer Will Not
Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

Read This Before Opening Package: According to Certain Suggested
Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This
Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million
Years.

This is a 100% Matter product: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will
Result.

Public Notice as Required by Law: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe.
Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This
Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

Note: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together
by a 'Gluing' Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose
Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

Attention: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon,
the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.

New Grand Unified Theory Disclaimer: The Manufacturer May Technically
Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional.  However, the
Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and
Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven
New Dimensions Are 'Rolled Up' into Such a Small 'Area' That They
Cannot Be Detected.

Please Note: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the
Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or
Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

Component equivalency notice: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons,
Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every
Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers,
and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

Health Warning: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since
Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the
User.

Important Notice to Purchasers: The Entire Physical Universe, Including
This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small
Space.  Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of
This Product in That Universe Cannot be Guaranteed.

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