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Today's jokes [1.13.09]

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins
to talk as he puts on his golf shoes. Everyone else in the room stops to  
listen.

MAN:  "Hello?"

WOMAN:  "Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

MAN:  "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only 500.  Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN:  "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:  "Oh, thanks so very much.  I also stopped by the Mercedes garage
this morning and saw the new models.  There was one I really, really
liked."

MAN:  "How much?"

WOMAN:  "80.000"

MAN:  "OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras."

WOMAN: "Great!  Oh, and one more thing.  The house we wanted last year
is back on the market.  They're asking 1,500,000."

MAN:  "Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, no more than
1,250,000."

WOMAN:  "OK.  I'll see you later!  I love you!"

MAN:  "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
absolute astonishment. Then he smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose mobile
this is?"

1. 




If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
conveniently attached to your belt.

2. 




   Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way
   to the final test.
   
   So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The
   director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his
   desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your
   loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room
   on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
   The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You
   fail."
   
   The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy
   picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes
   later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
   The director says, "You fail."
   
   So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room.
   The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass
   breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up
   and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?"
   Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in
   the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."
   


3. 




   Titicons
   (.)(.) tiny tits
   (o) (o) regular tits
   ( O )( O ) big tits
   ( @ ) ( @ ) big harry tits
   ( ' ) ( ' ) perky tits
   {.} {.} shriveled tits
   ( , ) ( , ) drippy tits
   [ _ ] [ _ ] android tits
   ( # ) ( # ) Tysoned tits
   


4. 




This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.
An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over and
says he'll give her a ride home.
On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking old
broad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass".
She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't due
for 5 more days, so she agrees.
They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and he
says to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would have
offered you $20.00!" 
She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I would
have taken off my pantyhose!" 

5. 



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