Today's jokes [1.12.09]

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Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began
to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.
"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to
do them."
The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their
neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained
silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her
bedroom.
Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and
approached the second girl. Through sign language, they
agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.
When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but
burned his fingers on the stove.
"Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?" he hollered from the
kitchen.
"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the
dishes."

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
   OFFICE IN LONDON--
   written from Central Spain, August 1812

   Gentlemen,
   Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
   approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
   diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M.
   ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
   We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
   manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
   accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
   spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been
   accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
   indulgence.
   Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
   unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has
   been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued
   to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This
   reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of
   circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a
   bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
   This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation
   of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
   understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I
   construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
   given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability,
   but I cannot do both:
   1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
   benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
   2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
   Your most obedient servant,
   Wellington

Coach Bowden was talking to the newest player on the team.
"It's fantastic the way you strike the line, dodge, tackle and 
weave through your opponents."
Luke was a shy fellow, but blurted out, "I suppose it all 
comes from early training, sir.  You see, my mom used to take me 
shopping with her on sale days."

The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a
policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run
me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could
you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd
   scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
   To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
   Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her,
   "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
   "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

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