Today's jokes [1.10.09]
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Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that
you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying
that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that
you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear
those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard
that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only
said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a
large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin
toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes
arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising
the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with
a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the
middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around
the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the
table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the
Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks
one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of
the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! "
A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was
drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I took
the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says
"it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything
to say to defend herself.
"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"
This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in
the door he says,
rapidly,"Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually
ask him what it was
he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off
looking confused. A
drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I
doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you
say, Tickle your
ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you
say, terribly nasty
weather." So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people
on. Come on down
here and you do the next one that comes in." The drunk moves down to
the end of the bar.
In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: "Stick a feather
up your ass? She
said, ìexcuse me, what did you say?î He says, ìcan you believe this
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