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Today's jokes [1.10.09]

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Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that 
you've been telling people that I'm ugly!" "Oh NO! I've just been saying 
that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive." "I also heard that
you've been calling me fat?!?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear 
those stripes makes you look larger than you really are." "I've also heard 
that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only 
said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

1. 




 DAYS
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts
open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to th bar, order five
bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a
large table.  The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and  they  begin
toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"  Soon, three more blondes
arrive, take up their drinks and the  chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!" Two more blondes show up and soon  their voices are joined in raising
the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"  Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with
a picture under her arm.  She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the
middle and the table  erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around
the table, exchanging  high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51
days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the
table.  There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the
Cookie Monster.  When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the  bartender asks
one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?


The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes
are dumb and they make fun of us.  So, we decided to set the record  straight.
Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. . .the side of
the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days ! " 



2. 




A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. 
One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was 
drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I took
the liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says 
"it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." 
The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have 
a bull!"

3. 




One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to 
find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she 
became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of 
their apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the 
court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything 
to say to defend herself.

"Well, Your Honor," she replied coolly. "I figured that at 92, if 
he could make love to another woman, he could fly!"

4. 




   This guys is sitting at the end of a bar. Each time someone comes in
   the door he says,
   rapidly,"Tickle your ass with a feather?" At which point they usually
   ask him what it was
   he said, and he then says, "Terribly nasty weather." They then go off
   looking confused. A
   drunk a few stools down observes this and finally says, "Say, buddy, I
   see what'cher
   doin'-- you're putting people on! When somebody comes in the door you
   say, Tickle your
   ass with a feather, and when they say, What did you say to me? you
   say, terribly nasty
   weather." So the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, it's fun putting people
   on. Come on down
   here and you do the next one that comes in." The drunk moves down to
   the end of the bar.
   In a few moments a person enters, and he says to her: "Stick a feather
   up your ass? She
   said, excuse me, what did you say? He says, can you believe this
   fucking weather?
   


5. 



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