Today's stories [9.7.08]
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[AP, Arkansas] A woman named Linda went to
Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while
there, went to a store. She parked next to a car
with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and
hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When
Linda came out a while later, she again saw the
woman, her hands still behind her head but with
her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so
Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you
okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the
head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't
know what to do; so she ran into the store where
store officials called the paramedics. They had to
break into the car because the door was locked.
When they got in, they found that the woman had
bread dough on the back of her head and in her
hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded,
apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud
explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in
the head. When she reached back to find what it
was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
brains. She passed out from fright at first, then
attempted to hold her brains in!
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Wonder which head?)
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) -- Earlier this week, the National Institute of
Mental Health released the results of their research into the sudden
increase of primary-school shootings. NIMH researcher Eli Zleicherugg
blames it all on a set of common childhood songs. "The worst is 'Hi ho,
hi ho, it's off to school we go, with razor blades and hand grenades,'"
Zleicherugg said at a press conference Wednesday. "Not only does it lend
an almost picnic tone to the concept of school violence, but at a deeper
psychological level, it bonds the idea of mass destruction to Walt
Disney's 'Snow White.'" Zleicherugg claims the problem is nationwide.
"You can go into any sixth grade in the country, start singing 'Mine eyes
have seen the glory of the burning of the school,' and watch the little
yardapes twitch. I'm not saying that these kids are primed to explode,"
he added. "But if I were a teacher, I wouldn't delay in getting that
In a related story, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is
investigating allegations that a rise in animal abuse is directly related
to the "Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts" song.
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