Today's jokes [9.7.08]
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What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he had??
An ex-wife and a dead girl friend.
The following riddles and jokes were made up by BADJOKE.EXE, an MS-DOS
program. You probably haven't heard most of them. Please try not to laugh
too hard and feel free to flame as much as you like--we are all like
passengers on the deck of the Titanic discussing what we're going to do when
we get to shore.
How can you tell when a mechanic has been behind your nuclear warhead?
There are nubile lambchops all over your pizza!
How can you tell when a pope has been coming towards your spaceship?
There are laughing travelling salesmen in your banana!
How do you get 100 gargoyles into a nuclear warhead?
Throw in a lawn sprinkler!
Why do motorcycles fold born-again eyeballs?
To diaper their skyscrapers!
Why do policemen have toilets?
So that yaks will disobey them!
What do you get when you cross a Barbie doll and a banana?
An angry nurse!
What did the Democrat say to the kettle drum?
"Ignore my eyeball, you square baby!"
What did the finger say ot the lawn sprinkler?
"Enlist my meatgrinder, you born-again cockroach!"
How can you tell when a water cooler has been beside your mule?
There are schizophrenic bathtubs all over your skyscraper!
Why do nuclear warheads have televisions?
So that photocopiers will interrogate them!
Who was that baby I saw you with last night?
That was no baby, that was my senator!
What do a hot toddler and a fossilized kneecap have in common?
The both eat flying hairballs!
When is a toothbrush not a toothbrush?
When it's a flabby cornfield!
What do you call a garbageman who has married milkmen beside him?
Waiter, there's a cranberry near my polar ice cap!
Shhh! Everyone will want one!
Why do yaks have fingers?
So that Hare Krishnas will break them!
How do you get 100 horses into a drainpipe?
Throw in a teapot!
What do you get when you cross an escalator and a grandmother?
A thirsty spatula!
What do a lovesick armadillo and a grouchy tank have in common?
They both smash lazy lollipops!
Why do popes bathe automatic horses?
To satisfy their SubGeniuses!
What time is it when a kettle drum steals your senator?
Time to get a new senator!
What do a married shark and a left-handed pocketwatch have in common?
They both visit hi-rise armadillos!
What do you call a guru who has yawning armadillos inside him?
Why do ex-convicts have televisions?
So that toilets will dissect them!
How do you get 100 beds into a Barbie doll?
Throw in a toenail!
When is a cornfield not a cornfield?
When it's a worthless whale!
How can you tell when a senator has been inside your bed?
There are hi-rise parking tickets up against your toilet!
Why do TV repairmen have beds?
So that VCRs will visit them!
When is a pencil sharpener not a pencil sharpener?
When it's a religious milk shake!
What do a green photocopier and a gaudy farmer have in common?
They both buy yellow prunes!
Why do armadillos have babies?
So that snakes will steal them!
What do a greedy teapot and a housebroken phonebook have in common?
They both stall born-again BMWs!
What did the toothbrush say to the sloth?
"Smash my horse, please!"
How do you get 100 bums into a hovercraft?
Throw in a vicar!
What did the toenail say to the cookie jar?
"Disobey my eyelid, you drunk landmine!"
Why did the Hare Krishna marry his cornfield?
To enshrine its solar-powered parking ticket!
When is an insurance salesman not an insurance salesman?
When he's a beautiful grandmother!
What do a mellow puppy and an overworked shark have in common?
They both toast gold-plated giraffes!
What do you get when you cross a skyscraper and a TV repairman?
A holographic chicken!
What time is it when a fly swatter touches your toothbrush?
Time to get a new toothbrush!
Why do demons have aerobics instructors?
So that ostriches will cross-examine them!
What do you call a waitress who has brain-damaged pianos on her?
A lima bean!
What do an awe-inspiring fly swatter and a cheap flea have in common?
They both bounce wacky gods!
What time is it when a SubGenius cross-examines your kneecap?
Time to get a new kneecap!
Why do grandmothers enshrine hyperactive sharks?
To befriend their prunes!
Why do toddlers have gargoyles?
So that forks will marry them!
A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping.
His tears are streaming down his cheeks.
An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.
"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"
"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four
little kittens we had yesterday!"
"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your
father is a real bastard!'
"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that
I could do it."
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to
marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each
other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we
So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a
very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his
towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position,
where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the
towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an
Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about
ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about
thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of
Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Bill Clinton are sitting in a
helicopter and Bill starts to think. He sits there for about 15 minutes
and finally Hillary asks why he is looking so sad.
He says, "I just was wondering what I could do for the poor countries."
"Well " says Chelsea, "you could throw $100,000 out the window of the
helicopter. I'm sure that the poor will get some of it."
He agrees that it's a good idea and he does.
About 5 minutes later he starts thinking again.
Hillary asks "Why do you still look so sad? You just threw $100,000 out
the window of the helicopter. That helped a lot of poor people."
He says "I still feel like I didn't do enough."
She says "Well, Bill, why don't you throw another $100,000 out the
window? That should make a lot of people happy."
Again he says it's a good idea and he does.
A few moments later and again he looks unhappy and he says "I still
don't think I've done enough."
This time the helicopter pilot pipes up and says "Why don't you throw
yourself out the goddamn window...that will make everyone in America happy."
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