Today's jokes [9.5.08]

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Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,
rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from
other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became
flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to
hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister
and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny
described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off
most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured
sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He
must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to
feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good
as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been
getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis
got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I
know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel had
gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed it
in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got
really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started
calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the
ones I saw at the lake!

Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.
All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her
back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took
a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it
from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a
scissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel
put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and her
boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by
squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend
sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because
it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and
her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting
anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn't
dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels
are like cats... They have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about
35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time
because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted. 

A marine general, an army general and a navy admiral were 
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, 
I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over
here!"
        The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
        The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
        Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
        The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
        The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
        The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
        The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and
then kill yourself."
        Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows
away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
        The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
        The admiral says, "That's nothing."
        He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off
that tower!"
        The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
        The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
        The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
        The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains 
too!"

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,
limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated
flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many
other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable
programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and
HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate
***************************************

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0
is an operating system. Try to enter the command: "C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ME" and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave
files.
DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In
summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory
and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional
software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and
Lingerie 5.3.

--Tech Support

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit
when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of
his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again;
even more slowly.  Another flash.  He did it again for a third
time, at an even slower speed.  Same result.

"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty
officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail,
he discovered three traffic tickets:

Each for not wearing a seat belt!

Consider the following:
Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a
crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart,
I need a new G string!"

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