Today's jokes [9.29.08]

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This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after 
a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix 
her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one 
Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible 
hand when she notices the time. 

"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to 
be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her 
friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not 
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the 
cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. 
In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and 
garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling 
up. 

She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then 
she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best 
dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You 
can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night 
they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this 
dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and 
they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your 
chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and 
then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women 
the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being 
so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that 
cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit 
there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your 
husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel 
when he was licking his ass."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he 
preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike 
cord as he went. 

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and 
nearly tripping before jerking it again. 

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew 
leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will 
he hurt us?"

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to
a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared
for. The next  morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a
tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after
a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she
starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and
once more bring her back upright.  This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting
to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it  here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when
it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls
underneath to investigate the problem.
"Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey
Wrench." He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off
in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and
several small black children playing in the yard.

The Farmer yells to her "Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey
Wrench?"

"What?" She yells back.

"A Monkey Wrench!!?" He screams.

"What?"

"MONKEY WRENCH!!?...MONKEY WRENCH!!?"

"Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!"

What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole
to make her squeal with delight?

                      Give him a raise. 

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