Daily jokes issues - Today's Top jokes

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack." The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew." "Probably, " replied the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again replied. "Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?" At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN "Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time like his lithium drip just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House. Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential Limousine. Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.

Like, A Totally California State Residency Application... man... Name: (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil", "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.) Age: _____________ Inner Child's Age: _______ Age in Dog Years: _______ Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________ Sex: _____ M _____ F _____ Hermaphrodite _____ Still working it out in therapy Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot Condition of Feet: ____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly ____ Like, whenever I get to the beach, man... Occupation: ___ Massage Therapist ___ Astral Counsel ___ Pet Psychologist ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not merely Grateful) ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful) ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie burritos" at concerts ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry Garcia ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine ___ Rent-A-Mob protester ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake ___ LA rock star groupie ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer ___ Professional Emotional Victim Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________ Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s): ____ Astral Soulmate ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the rent was cheap ____ My dog's massage therapist ____ "Just Friends" ____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them as tax deduction(s) Number of Children in Commune: _____ Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____ Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____ Mother's Name: ____________________ Father's Name: ____________________ Where were you were conceived: ____ Woodstock ____ Monterey ____ Under the stars on in the commune's hot tub ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the way to a Dead show Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers: Number of copies sold: ____ Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____ Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on wind chimes: ___ Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____ Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____ Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance: ____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse ____ The morning news' surf report Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____ Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____ Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on tour") Number of bongs you own: ____ Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out: Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have personalities) ____ Green Party ____ American Communist Party ____ Socialist Party ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans) ____ Hemp Party ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse Hotline Party ____ New Age Goddess Party How far is your home from the waterline: ___ Miles ___ Yards ___ Feet ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose Number of surfboards owned: ____ Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally", "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like, totally don't know)

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

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