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Today's jokes [9.25.08]

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Why did the cactus cross the road?
It was stuck to the dumb chicken

Sent by Robbie


A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish
Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."
The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and
asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew."
"Probably, " replied the clerk.
"And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs,
would you also insult him?"
"Probably," the clerk again replied.
"Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not
like you?"
At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."



"Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. 
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player 
in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. 

The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, 
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler 
Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the 
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she'd be married to the President. 

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped 
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid 
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass 
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good. 

Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. 

Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place 
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, 
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. 

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time 
like his lithium drip just kicked in. 

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,' 
and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. 

Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was 
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long 
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at 
least a dozen former residents of the White House. 

Which brings me back to my point. 

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for 
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a 
fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. 

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock 
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from 
a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance 
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from. 

Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. 

What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's 
a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where 
you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm 
parking the Presidential Limousine. 

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America. 


Like, A Totally California State Residency Application...
   (Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
   "Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)

   Age: _____________

   Inner Child's Age: _______

   Age in Dog Years: _______

   Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________

   _____ M   _____ F

   _____ Hermaphrodite

   _____ Still working it out in therapy

   Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot
   Condition of Feet:

   ____ Wash Daily   ____ Wash Weekly

   ____ Like, whenever I get to
   the beach, man...
   ___ Massage Therapist
   ___ Astral Counsel
   ___ Pet Psychologist
   ___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not
   merely Grateful)
   ___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
   ___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
   ___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie
   burritos" at concerts
   ___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry
   ___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
   ___ Rent-A-Mob protester
   ___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
   ___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
   ___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
   ___ LA rock star groupie
   ___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
   ___ Professional Emotional Victim

   Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________
   Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):

   ____ Astral Soulmate

   ____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
   was cheap

   ____ My dog's massage therapist

   ____ "Just Friends"

   ____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
   tax deduction(s)

   Number of Children in Commune: _____

   Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
   Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of

   Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____

   Mother's Name: ____________________   Father's Name: ____________________

   Where were you were conceived:

   ____ Woodstock   
   ____ Monterey

   ____ Under the stars on in the commune's
   hot tub

   ____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the
   way to a Dead show
   Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:

   Number of copies sold: ____

   Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
   Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
   wind chimes: ___

   Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____

   Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____
   Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:

   ____ Donahue   ____ Ricki Lake   ____ Geraldo   ____ Sally Jesse
   ____ The morning news' surf report

   Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____

   Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____

   Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on

   Number of bongs you own: ____
   Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:

   Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have

   ____ Green Party
   ____ American Communist
   ____ Socialist Party
   ____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
   ____ Hemp Party
   ____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
   Hotline Party
   ____ New Age Goddess Party

   How far is your home from the waterline:
   ___ Miles
   ___ Yards
   ___ Feet
   ___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in
   true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose

   Number of surfboards owned: ____
   Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",

   "like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
   totally don't know)


A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the
Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm


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