Today's jokes [9.25.08]
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Why did the cactus cross the road?
It was stuck to the dumb chicken
Sent by Robbie
A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish
Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack."
The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and
asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew."
"Probably, " replied the clerk.
"And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs,
would you also insult him?"
"Probably," the clerk again replied.
"Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not
At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, moron."
THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS....THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN
"Members of Congress...People of America....I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong.
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player
in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention.
The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala,
mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler
Earl Campbell would envy, which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.
Six years ago there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.
Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him,
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time
like his lithium drip just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausable deniability,'
and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver wrestling" shared by at
least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a
fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from
a junior college who can spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing.
What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter...unless, of course, she's
a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where
you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm
parking the Presidential Limousine.
Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.
Like, A Totally California State Residency Application...
(Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
"Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)
Inner Child's Age: _______
Age in Dog Years: _______
Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________
_____ M _____ F
_____ Still working it out in therapy
Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot
Condition of Feet:
____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly
____ Like, whenever I get to
the beach, man...
___ Massage Therapist
___ Astral Counsel
___ Pet Psychologist
___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not
___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie
burritos" at concerts
___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry
___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
___ Rent-A-Mob protester
___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
___ LA rock star groupie
___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
___ Professional Emotional Victim
Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________
Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
____ Astral Soulmate
____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
____ My dog's massage therapist
____ "Just Friends"
____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
Number of Children in Commune: _____
Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of
Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____
Mother's Name: ____________________ Father's Name: ____________________
Where were you were conceived:
____ Under the stars on in the commune's
____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the
way to a Dead show
Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:
Number of copies sold: ____
Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
wind chimes: ___
Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____
Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____
Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse
____ The morning news' surf report
Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____
Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____
Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on
Number of bongs you own: ____
Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:
Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have
____ Green Party
____ American Communist
____ Socialist Party
____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
____ Hemp Party
____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
____ New Age Goddess Party
How far is your home from the waterline:
___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in
true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose
Number of surfboards owned: ____
Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",
"like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
totally don't know)
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops
into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the
Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you
could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm
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