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Today's jokes [9.23.08]

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Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are told
to seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that are
under their wives control and they other for those that control
their wives.

After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their are
nineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.

The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of his
independence.

"That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!" 

1. 




During the Mexican/American war, an intense long standoff 
occured along the front. For days and days neither side made 
any advances. Finally, an American general had a bright idea. 

He aimed his rifle to the Mexican trenches and yelled "Hey 
Juan!".....A soldier jumped up and replied "What?" The general 
shot him dead. This continued for three days. 

A Mexican general decided that two could play this game and 
decided to try it out. He called out "Hey John!!" 

An American replied "John isn't here......is that you Juan?" The 
Mexican general stood up, "Yeah?!".....

2. 




   While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
   Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
   Look Left.
   You look left and it reads:
   Look Right
   You look right and it reads:
   Look Left...


3. 




Woman, "Slow down, foreplay is an art."

Man, "Well, if you don't get your canvas arranged soon,
      I'm going to spill my paint!"

4. 




The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate 
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to 
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be 
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby 
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of 
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the 
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is 
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we 
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different 
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in 
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"  
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his 
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their 
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job 
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get 
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The 
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. 
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the 
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, 
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we  
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for 
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's 
fainted!!"

5. 



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