Today's jokes [9.18.08]
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This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestling
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright.
They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they
punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda'
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap
monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one.
He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
I like monkeys.
What's long and hard and excites a girl when
she's finally lucky enough to get on it?
The road to success!
Temperatures and What They Mean
40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the
25 Boston water freezes.
Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you.
20 Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream.
You can hear your breath.
15 N.Y. City water freezes.
Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless.
12 You plan a vacation to Mexico.
10 Too cold to snow
5 You need jumper cables to get the car going.
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
3 You plan a vacation in Houston.
0 Too cold to skate.
American cars don't start.
-5 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.
-10 Too cold to think.
Politicians actually do something about the homeless.
-15 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.
You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-20 You plan a 2-week hot bath.
-25 The mighty Monongahela freezes.
Japanese cars don't start.
-30 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button...
Below -30 The kids call home from college.
End of the world...
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the
letter "R," and all the other kids were, of course,
teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave
him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard
a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to
recite the sentence out loud.
The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of them
already laughing at him -- then replied, "Bob gave Dick
a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag
at you, what have you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
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