Today's jokes [9.14.08]

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What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes! 

    Embarrassing moments The following are the top three
   winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.

   1)"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
   release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
   hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
   patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*,
   she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
   in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I
   will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
   "The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
   tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
   dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
   thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
   * Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
   2)"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
   but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
   girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after
   making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
   girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we
   didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When
   we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
   whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts,
   uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there!
   My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment
   for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
   planned a surprise party again." * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
   3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she
   finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
   no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
   intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON
   LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
   the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
   "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
   intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
   KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman 
who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his 
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, 
the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the
bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair 
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through 
a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. 
Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of 
a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman 
who has just passed away.  At the end of the service, the 
pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally 
bump into a wall, jarring the casket.  They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually 
still alive.  She lives for ten more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the 
end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out
the casket.  As they are walking, the husband cries out, 
"WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?

Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.

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