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Today's poems [8.28.08]

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I'm Glad I'm A Woman



 I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
 I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
 I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
 I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
 I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
 and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
 
 I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
 my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
 and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
 or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
 I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
 I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!
 
 I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
 I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
 It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
 When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
 And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
 I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
 Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
 I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
 
 And I honestly think its a privilege for me
 to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
 I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
 I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
 I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
 stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
 or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
 then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
 
 Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
 you can forget all about that old penis envy
 I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
 join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
 I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
 I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!



1. 




The Camel

The sexual needs of a camel
are greater than anyone thinks.
For once in a moment of passion
it attempted to ravish the Sphinx.

The Sphinx's posterior entrance
was clogged by the sands of the Nile,
which accounts for the hump on the camel
and the Sphinx's inscrutable smile :)

Sent by FLG

2. 




A shiftless young fellow of Kent 
               Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent. 
                    But as she grew older, 
                    The landlord grew colder, 
               And now they live out in a tent. 

3. 




Part 9 of 12
   
                    One day he was dared to perform
                            
                    The William Tell Overture Storm,
                            But naught could dishearten
                            Our spirited Spartan,
                            
                    For his fart was in wonderful form.
                            


4. 




Tombstone Epitaph:

Here lies a nun, she lived to the age of one hundred and ten
She gave to the worms what she refused to men



5. 



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