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Today's jokes [8.6.08]

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When you go to the hospital how do you find the head nurse? 

     Look for the nurse with dirty knees and swollen lips! 

1. 




What do you call a brunette between two blondes?

Translator.

2. 




    There was an old married couple that had happily lived
   together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
   was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
   morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the
   smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
   air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one
   in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him
   to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband
   wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily
   function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
   fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
   about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts
   out".
   The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
   continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
   one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
   prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
   potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the
   turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
   solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she
   placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
   before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
   asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
   husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into
   her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and
   tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several
   hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass
   trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
   sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
   bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
   tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
   with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her
   husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
   horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she
   asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
   those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
   "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
   "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
   of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
   and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."


3. 




   Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to
   their position in life,
   and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other. The first one
   says, "My husband is
   taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then
   looks at the others
   with a superior demeanor. The second one says, "Well, my husband just
   bought me a new
   Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. Young woman number
   three says,
   "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and
   we don't have
   many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my
   husband is that
   fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
   After this, the first one
   looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I
   was just trying to
   impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well,
   it's not to the French
   Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The
   second one says,
   "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
   "Well, I've got a
   confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one
   leg."
   


4. 




This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
   for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
   saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits
   down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
   nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he
   drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
   hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
   serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
   with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
   pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
   without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The
   truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
   worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
   season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
   So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
   heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
   and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
   all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
   grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
   programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't
   let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the
   bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of
   them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps
   out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said,
   "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
   "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."


5. 



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