Today's jokes [8.4.08]

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A cop sees a car weaving all over the road and pulls it over. He walks up 
to the car and sees a nice-looking woman is driving and smells liquor on 
her breath. He says, "I'm going to have to give you the breathalyzer test 
to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blows up the 
balloon and he walks over to the police car.
After a couple of minutes comes back and says, "It looks like you've had a 
couple of stiff ones." She replies "You mean it shows that, too?"

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological 
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth. 
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority 
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided 
to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and 
they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his 
prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It 
rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I 
knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm 
clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to 
show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a 
bigger sign!"  This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed 
toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning 
slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted 
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by 
natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just 
as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth 
shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S 
RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, 
and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2." 

A little boy was excited about his first day at school.
So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to
the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if
he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but
asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate 
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram 
to where he should go and asked him if he will be able
to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"
and goes on his way. 

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says
to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they 
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks 
Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his
boxer shorts on backwards"

                        How To Give Your Cat a Pill
     
   
1.  Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
    if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
    kitty."  Drop pill into its mouth.
2.  Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3.  Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
    hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
    mouth with right forefinger.
4.  Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
    to get new cat.)
5.  Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
    bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
    over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
    mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
    your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
    doing. That's just as well.
6.  Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7.  If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8.  Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
    and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
    anyway?"  Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9.  This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
    claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
    floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
    flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
    woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
    at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
  

There once was a baby elephant and a baby turtle drinking from a river deep in the jungle. For 
no reason, the turtle reaches over and bites the elephant's tail, really hard.

Years and years later, the same elephant, now grown up, is by the same river, having a drink 
with his giraffe buddy, when the same turtle that bit him on the tail all those years ago 
wanders up to the river. The elephant rears back a leg and kicks the turtle as hard as he can, 
sending him flying way off into the jungle.

"Why did you do that?" the giraffe asks.

"When we both were babies, that turtle bit my tail for no reason," the elephant replied.
"Wow! You must have a good memory!" exclaimed the giraffe.
"Yep!" said the elephant. "I've got Turtle-Recall."

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