Today's jokes [8.30.08]

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Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that
he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him,
"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he
was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor,
and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down here
on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read
that chart on the wall over there."
   He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no,
no. Put your right hand over your right eye."
   This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now
getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor
really gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!" He gets a paper
bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and
says, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfect!
   The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts crying
like a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?"
   "Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!"

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

The real question is: How much can the light bulb afford to
be screwed for?

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were
shipwrecked on an island.  One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut
tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" 
"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed
down. "We weren't making love."
"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."
Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the
same thing.  Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for
himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top.  The husband
says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making
love down there!"

Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their
   picture.

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