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Today's jokes [8.29.08]

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This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me
for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman
for UPS.  Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city.  When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She
had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed
in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,
she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"
the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,
you jackass."

1. 




Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the
same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.
On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy
receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys
are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the
other one got, so, they traded.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him
looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the
man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father
blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma
day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and
say, `How longa you gonna be?'"

2. 




   I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.
   It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
   
                     They have no wife to go home to...
                                or they do.


3. 




An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down 
below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the 
mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the 
mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot.."
The eagle says "what do you want?"
The mouse asks how high up they are.
The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft."
The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be shittin me now would ya??"

4. 




The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose
   to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's
   self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false
   images into a more proper perspective.
   
   Please circle your answers to each below:
   
    1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on
       it that says:
       "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?
         1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
         2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
         3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".
    2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
         1. All you'll ever need.
         2. Like I'd use yet another phallic symbol.
         3. The signal to open Fire.
    3. The movie "Thelma & Louise" was:
         1. An insidious plot to stamp out femininity and glorify
            violence.
         2. A male ploy to encourage further suppression of women.
         3. A training film.
    4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma & Louise"
       where the two women disarmed a Texas State Police Officer.
         1. Tacky, tasteless, and altogether gauche I mean pointing guns;
            let alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
         2. Only thing I saw wrong was that it took two sisters to disarm
            only one man; not realistic at all.
         3. The dummies left a perfectly good shotgun clamped to the
            dashboard of the cruiser.
    5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response it to:
         1. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
         2. Is it a male mouse or a female mouse ?
         3. Link up the belt feed to the M-60.
    6. You are discussing the local crime stats with your neighbor,
       Ralph, who suggests you buy a .25 caliber pistol for defense. You
       reply:
         1. Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly surrendered
            to the evil ethos of mindless brute force!
         2. Yeah, like I'm supposed to stand there and let old fat gut
            Ralph leer and drool like he usually does. Men are such pigs
            !
         3. Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
            stupid enough to give me whimpy advice like that!
    7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster ? [INLINE]
         1. Obscene ! The icon of death with the symbol of nurturing.
         2. What's a bra ?
         3. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my shoulder sling.
    8. Define "male."
         1. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only
            one letter short of "male violence."
         2. An animal with a one track mind. A brute who feels the need
            to try to control, suppress, double-talk all women
            everywhere.
         3. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
            but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.
    9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray products
       as Mace and CapStun belong?
         1. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
            understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
         2. Yet more products of questionable effect manufactured by the
            male dominated industrial complex to make women feel somewhat
            secure.
         3. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
            Feminique.
   10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder. He
       ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
       upraised. How many shots should you fire?
         1. None. It would be better to die or submit than sacrifice
            moral victory by using deadly force. How unseemly and gauche.
         2. As many as I had, assuming the male dominated firearms
            industry would sell me a gun; or let alone ammunition in the
            first place.
         3. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, how often do you get a chance
            like that to express yourself, and get in touch with your
            feelings?


                              Grading the Exam
                                      
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "1":
       This indicates you're a true pacifist. Perhaps the meek will
       indeed inherit the earth someday, as it is written, but only when
       the rest of us are done with it.
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "2":
       Hey babe -- you're stuck in the 60's sweetheart. Loosen up! A full
       12.7% of you chicks have good jobs and make almost as much us men
       now. I mean like ... What more do you want outta us poor males ?
     * If 8 or more of your answers were "3":
       Don't feel too bad. Society may not yet have a place for you, but
       Hollywood will, as soon as they start casting for the lead role in
       "Bride of Rambo".


5. 



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