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Today's jokes [8.27.08]

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This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:


Rebecca  and Gary 
English 44A
Creative Writing
Prof Miller

                  In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story.
The process is simple.  Each person will pair off with the person
sitting to his or her immediate right.  One of you will then write
the first paragraph of a short story.  The partner will read the
first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story.  The
first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and
forth.  Remember to reread what has been written each time in order
to keep the story coherent.  The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached.


At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.  The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home,
now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times,
that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs,
keep her mind off Carl.  His possessiveness was suffocating, and if
she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again.
So camomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to
think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named
Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
"A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic
communicator. "Polar orbit established.  No sign of resistance so
far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed
out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.  The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across
the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one
woman who had ever had feelings for him.  Soon afterwards, Earth
stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of
Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space
Travel." Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.  The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window,
dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and
carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her
from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around
her.  "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she
pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched
the first of its lithium fusion missiles.  The dim-witted wimpy
peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty
through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile
alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.  Within
two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were
on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the
entire planet.  With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their
diabolical plan.  The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded.  The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this!  I'm going to veto that
treaty!  Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd.  I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah?  Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts
at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

You total $*&.

Stupid %?$!.


A man calls his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good,"says the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son says, "Why are you so weak?"
She says, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The man says, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?
The mother answers, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled
with food if you should call."


Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he 
called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits 
"What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad 
journalism. I'll sue 'em."
"Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you 
calling from?" 


"Jim will not be in today.  He is not feeling himself.  Thank you."


1. He doesn't feel the way he usually does.
2. He is not in complete control of his hands.
3. His emotions are shattered.
4. His skin is numb.
5. He has transofrmed into an alter-ego (i.e. professional wrestler)
6. He is not feeling himself, in a biblical sense.
7. He has been covered in saran-wrap.
8. He is in an isolation tank.
9. He wanted to take a day off but couldn't come up with an actual illness
   to fake.
10. He is feeling others.

:) by Jennifer Schmidt and Nick Gass


Q. Why does Mary Lou Retton smile so much?
A. Because she found out what the big boys eat. 


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