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Today's jokes [8.26.08]

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If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when
it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a
little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these
toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to
even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all
the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on
the MacToaster.

1. 




   A sailor walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices that this
   is a pretty well built
   guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead. After serving the sailor a
   couple of drinks,
   curiosity finally gets the best of the bartender and he asks the
   sailor why he had a normal
   sized body with such a tiny head. The sailor tells him this story: "I
   was involved in a naval
   battle where I was the only survivor. I was stranded on a deserted
   island in the middle of
   the ocean for months, when I happened across a mermaid while I was
   walking on the
   beach." She was on the beach and couldn't get back in the water so I
   helped her get back
   to the ocean, she was so grateful she granted me three wishes. I first
   asked to be rescued
   off that god forsaken island. She told me that it was no problem, that
   the rescue ship was
   on the way, and that I still had two more wishes." "Next I asked for a
   never ending roll of
   twenty dollar bills." Then the sailor reached into his pocket and kept
   pulling out 20s and
   putting them on the bar. "Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this
   island for quite some time
   without a woman and I'm quite horny, She said "as you can see from the
   waist down I'm a
   fish so I'm sorry but I can't help you there." "Well I thought about
   it for a minute and said
   OK, how about a little head.
   


2. 




Q: What's the definition of virginity?
A: A big issue over a little tissue.

3. 




A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm 
constipated."
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean 
over the table."
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks 
him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the 
bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. 
What should I do?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

4. 




   A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
   On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
   begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
   drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
   using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
   shark-infested sea to a remote island.
   
   Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
   head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
   She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
   his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
   get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
   and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
   
   He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
   
   Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
   together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
   they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
   they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
   
   Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
   "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
   together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
   anything I can do?"
   
   He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my
   shirt?"
   
   "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she
   puts it on.
   
   "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
   
   "Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
   
   "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
   face?" he asks.
   
   "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
   
   Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
   island?"
   
   She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
   the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
   minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
   says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
   


5. 



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