Today's jokes [8.24.08]

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   The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
   weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
   and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

   A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market
   looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster,
   one that could service all of his many hens.
   
   He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just
   the rooster for you". Dom here is the horniest rooster you will ever
   see!"
   
   So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose in
   the henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk.
   
   "Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
   
   And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast as
   he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much
   squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having his
   way with each hen.
   
   But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the
   horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to
   the pighouse, where he did the same.
   
   The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop,
   Dom,you'll kill yourself."
   
   But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
   Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there
   on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and
   his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom.
   
   The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you
   did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
   
   "Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer."
   

    A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
   for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
   think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question,
   but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
   your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi,
   told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of
   the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman,
   about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding
   night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
   your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
   advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to
   your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my
   problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get
   screwed."

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.
 She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As  she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed,  she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident  and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that
moment. As she turns back,  standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,
"Sir,  how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in
your  pants when you hear what the price is."

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was 
delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned 
and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician
examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be 
corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the 
doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need 
for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor 
asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, 
aren't you?"

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