Today's jokes [8.24.08]
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The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the
weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled
and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market
looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster,
one that could service all of his many hens.
He told this to the market vendor. The vendor replied, "I have just
the rooster for you". Dom here is the horniest rooster you will ever
So the farmer took Dom back to the farm. Before setting him loose in
the henhouse though, he gave Dom a little pep talk.
"Dom", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff."
And without a word Dom strutted into the henhouse. Dom was as fast as
he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much
squawking and many feathers flying, till Dom had finished having his
way with each hen.
But Dom didn't stop there. He went in to the barn and mounted all the
horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to
the pighouse, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop,
Dom,you'll kill yourself."
But Dom continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Dom lying there
on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and
his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Dom.
The farmer walked up to Dom saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you
did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy."
"Shhhhh," Dom whispered. "The buzzard's getting closer."
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant
for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him
think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question,
but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his rabbi,
told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of
the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman,
about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding
night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to
your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck right down to
your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my
problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get
A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs.
She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect
it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed
her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that
moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,
"Sir, how much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in
your pants when you hear what the price is."
When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was
delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned
and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician
examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be
corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the
doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor
asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs,
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