Today's jokes [8.20.08]

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   Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my
   ex-wife any money."
   
   Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not.  I am.  You do."

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the 
police.  "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your 
car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The 
juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches 
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the 
driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test 
they're giving now!"

Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?

They don't like to look down on the unemployed.

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon.
   While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up 
   by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish 
   his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down 
   the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow 
   to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the 
   club house and call 911.
   Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the
   call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby 
   bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith 
   in astonishment says, "Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to
   give him CPR." Mike replies, "Well, it started off that way."

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl 
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play 
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I 
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the 
husband."

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