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Today's jokes [8.18.08]

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A partially deaf gentleman was extolling the virtues of his new hearing 
aid. "It's marvelous," he enthused to a friend. "Since I acquired it I can 
hear the birds chirping on the hearth. I can also hear clearly a 
conversation being held in an apartment a full block away!"
"You don't say," said his friend. "What kind is it?"
The proud owner consulted his wristwatch and answered, "Twenty minutes 
after two." 

1. 




After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old 
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As 
she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her 
patience grew thin.  At last she threw a towel around her head 
and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern 
warnings.  As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old 
say with a trembling voice,  "Who was *that*?"

2. 




First man: How'd you get that black eye?
Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.
First man: She punched you?
Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

3. 




So the elephant says to the naked man . . .

"You breathe through that little thing?" 

4. 




    A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a
   gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
   So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
   the name of your penis?"
   The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
   The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
   tell me the name of your penis."
   So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
   beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
   left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
   The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
   a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
   A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
   fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
   right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
   1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
   Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
   with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
   "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
   The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
   asks, "Why secret?"
   The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
   woman!"


5. 



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