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Today's jokes [8.17.08]

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A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting
under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing
away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the
man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. 


A tipsy guy in a bar stood and made the following speech, "I am white from 
head to toe. I am rich and I am handsome. My name is Brown. B-R-O-W-N." 
Thoroughly annoyed, Sam retorted, "My name is Sam and I am white from head 
to toe. Except my asshole. Which is brown. B-R-O-W-N."


What's the difference between "ooh" and "aah?"

    -About three inches.


Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None 

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and 
laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the 
Creator of all. 

Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. 
"Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! 
Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could 
smoke while the Torah was being read???"

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word 
is strong!" 

Goldblum sighed with relief. 

"Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but 
really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple 
during Yom Kippur?" 

Bauman hung his head in shame. 

"Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that 
which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast 
and loose with my people, but I can accept these 

Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, 
have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt 
the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and 
Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying.... 

"Closed for the Holiday !!!"


OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books.  Simply cross
out the names and address of people you don't know. FOOL other drivers into
thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote
control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting
the curb. LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna.  I found
that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in
only 2 days. AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned
to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. NO TIME for a
bath?  Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it
off. SAVE ON BOOZE by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.  The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. RECREATE
the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the
bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it,
before jumping in.


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