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Today's jokes [8.13.08]

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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. 
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 
4-Wheel drive vehicles." 
"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find
a fake Jeep?"

1. 




The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?

2. 




A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some
drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the
mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says,
"What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

3. 




There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely 
beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically 
trying to climb up.
While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says, 
"God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless 
you both," and then kept on walking.
One bloke looks at the other, "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the 
other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the 
bible."
The other bloke looked around and quickly says, "Well he knows fuck 
all about shark fishing."

4. 




At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are 
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to 
blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." 
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he 
is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother 
quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." 
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and 
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him 
$40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees 
the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the 
whole truth." 
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then 
come give your real father a big hug."

5. 



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