Today's jokes [8.10.08]

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One night when you have a few friends around, take turns calling the
same phone number, a really obnoxious acquaintance that won't
recognize your voices is always a good choice.  When the person
answers, try to leave a message for John Smith (or any name that
sounds real). Insist that you have the right number and even read
their number to them. Have a bit of fun here, and stretch this on as
long as possible.  Repeat several times, once or twice an hour. Let
everybody have a turn at calling. Just as the party is breaking up,
call one last time.  Tell the poor soul answering the phone that you
are John Smith, and ask "Are there any messages for me?"  This is sure
to get a groan.

Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.

   A drunk goes into a bar sits down and says hey hey bartender can we
   talk about politics
   The bartender says ģIF THERE IS ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE
   IT'S POLITICSī. A little while later hey bartender can we talk about
   religon. Again the
   bartender says" IF THERE'S ONE THING WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IN HERE IT'S
   RELIGON". Then again we hear hey bartender can we talk about sex. The
   bartender says
   SURE. The drunk says good............fuck you!
   

The following statements were found on patient's charts
   during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
   written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid)
   a doctor or two at several major hospitals:
   "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
   "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
   "The skin was moist and dry."
   "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
   "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
   1989 when she got a divorce."
   "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
   ran out of gas and crashed."
   "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
   therapy."
   "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle,
   who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week." "Bleeding
   started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
   "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
   "She is numb from her toes down."
   "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
   "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
   The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
   stockbroker instead."
   "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
   "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his
   family in no distress."

A guy was attending a masquerade Halloween Ball, and 
dancing with a girl who was wearing a map of Texas for a 
costume. 

Suddenly she slapped him hard and stalked off the dance floor.
"What the hell happened?" asked a friend who had witnessed 
the entire event.

"I'm not really sure." the man replied, rubbing his red cheek. 
"When she asked if I had ever been to Texas, I put my finger on 
Amarillo to show her, and she let me have it."

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