Today's stories [7.4.08]
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Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality
by William A. Morton, Jr.
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She
directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other
than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles."
The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and
had little to say as he gingerly opened histrousers to expose a bit of
angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to
leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two
or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum,
which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender.
A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left
scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw
somehalf-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they
were. Several days earlier, he said, he had injured himself in
the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself
with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of
the type used in putting up wallboard.
We x-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the
hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial
therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.
The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of
the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges
were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing.
The stump of thespermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided,
and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present.
Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the
skin was loosely closed. Convalescence was uneventful, and before his
release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided
the rest of his story to me.
An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunch time
with his coworkers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice
of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large
floor-based piece of machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost
his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum became
caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the
air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis,
and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and
resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self-
[William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester,
My twin sister and I had been out on our first double date. I immediately
walked in the house after the date, but my sister stayed outside to kiss
her date goodnight. My mom was curious to see what they were doing. In
order to see, she had to step on the toilet lid in the bathroom to see out
the window. It was dark and she failed to close the lid so she slipped
into the toilet. She was really embarrassed when she came into the front
room with wet feet and had to explain why.
Foreshadow of Y2K?
In March 1992 a man living in Newton, near Boston,
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card
stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw
it away. In April he received another and threw that
one away, too. The following month the credit card
company sent him a very nasty note stating they were
going to cancel his card if he didn't send them
$0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to
them, they said it was a computer error and told him
they'd take care of it.
The following month our hero decided that it was about
time that he tried out the troublesome credit card
figuring that if there were purchases on his account it
would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However,
in the first store that he produced his credit card in
payment for his purchases, he found that his card had
He called the credit card company who apologized for the
computer error once again and said that they would take
care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating
that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken
to the credit card company only the previous day, the
latest bill was yet another mistake. So he ignored it, and
trusted that the company would be as good as their word
and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had
10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take
steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in he thought he
would play the company at their own game and mailed them a
check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and
returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit
card company nothing at all.
A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was
doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation
the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check
processing software to fail.
The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their
customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing
the computer to crash. The following month the man received
a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check
had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he
sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to
recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer
for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
Sent by Marina
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