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Today's jokes [7.29.08]

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A girl runs home to her mother crying, "I can't marry Joe! He's an 
atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything! "Don't worry, 
Honey," said her mom. "But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell! "Don't 
worry, Honey," repeated her mom, "you marry him...and we'll convince him!"

1. 




George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife 
Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order. 
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," answers the President. 
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!!" asks the waiter. 
"Oh," answers Dubya, "she'll order for herself."

2. 




Two Irishmen are sitting in a bar. Mick's looking particularly sad 
and Patrick asks him what the matter is. mick says, "well, I knew that 
my grandfather had died in the war, but I've just found out that he 
actually died in the auschwitz concentration camp."
Patrick says, "that's terrible, did he go to the gas chamber?" and Mick
replies, "no, he fell out of the machine gun tower."

3. 




A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from
inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor
of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having
a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the
doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,
there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet
door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,
my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare
the kids"!!! 

4. 




Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and 
besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied 
something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful 
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she 
fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check 
stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes 
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing 
in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly 
go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the 
car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet 
and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody 
clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with 
her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait 
saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be 
the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the 
engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do 
I have to do that?"

5. 



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