Today's jokes [7.21.08]

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A beautiful young woman marries this seventy year old bloke for his money. 
On their wedding night she joyfully jumps into bed and he holds up five 
fingers.
"Oh darling!" she squeals with delight, Does that mean five times?"
"No", says the old fellow, "it means that you can pick one out."

This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he would
spend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,
he was told that the only way he could play today was if he
was willing to play along with three nuns. 
He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first hole
he said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. 
He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker.
"Goddammit!" he said.
"Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of language
around us." said the nun. 
"I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." 
The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twenty
yards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. 
"Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. 
"Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. 
"Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree." 

An Avon lady was along in an elevator when she suddenly had
to fart.  She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air
with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.
He began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked, "Do you smell something?"
"Why, yes, I do," he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit
in a pine tree."

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem 
doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this 
earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely 
natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, 
"It wakes me up."

Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .
600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . .
please instruct! Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . .
repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."

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