Today's jokes [7.18.08]
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Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than
An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we
have a bit of a problem with your husband."
wife.. "What's wrong?"
u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor
Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and,
basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the
problem which is a little less expensive?"
The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we
bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his
wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I
want to see the body immediately before the funeral."
u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker
shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in
the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him
look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for
the last time.
She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled
out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around
to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by
herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody
hurts, doesn't it?"
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed
that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What
do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to
his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled
"The meaning of dreams"
A young lady asked the Scotsman what he wore under his kilt.
"Reach up there and find out."
She did, but quickly pulled her hand back out and said, "Oh, it's
"Aye, it has," replied the Scotsman, "and if you put your hand back
up there, it'll grow some more!"
From one of Tom Clancy's books:
Commanding officer: "Alright! How about an attitude check???"
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "Now, let's be more positive..."
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..."
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!"
CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?"
Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"
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