Today's jokes [7.13.08]

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Lady Di is welcomed at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. 
Peter asks: "Oh dear, what happened to you?" 
Di answers: "I died in a car crash, but wait till you see my friend, 
he looks much worse". 
Half an hour later Dodi shows up and St. Peter says: "My God, 
you look terrible."
Dodi replies: "This is nothing. Wait till you see my driver."
Half an hour later some bones and flesh move slowly to the Gates, 
and St. Peter says: "So you're the driver?"
"No, I'm Mother Theresa. 

A Ken and Barbie Joke: Why does Barbie never get pregnant?

Because Ken always comes in a box!

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of
a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he
starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven,
1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth
Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he
leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with
him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has
changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the
previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.  When
they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing,
again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are
being played in the reverse order in which they were
composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has
gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the
Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for
the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's
just decomposing!"

Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. 
The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, "Come this way," and heads 
towards the back of the store.
"If I could come that way," she tells the retreating clerk, "I wouldn't 
need the batteries." 

*ring* *ring*
"Hello?" Hearing only heavy breathing on the line, the woman repeated, "Hello?"

"I'll bet you want me to come into your bedroom," a male voice whispered
huskily, "...undress you, lick you from head to toe and make love to you until
morning."

"Geez," the woman replied, "you can tell all that from two hello's?"

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