Today's jokes [7.10.08]
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What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi's and
coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the
other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the
bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and
asks her why she is drinking one Barcardi and coke and throwing the other
one down her panties. She replies, "I just won the lottery and that's the
only cunt getting a drink out of me tonight!"
Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first
blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde,
"Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.
Please tell me how you did this!"
The second blonde then says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"
Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
Finger on chin I don't know.
Hits forehead Oh I get it!
Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six
times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife
shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who
said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely
introduced me to so charming a wife."
During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
"Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her
guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged
if you would pin this on your white meat."
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood
handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this
is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she
doesn't deserve to have any."
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in
his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in
later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major
German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
"Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then
added, "And he didn't understand me."
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his
hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock,
leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,
got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story
circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by
his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
but not in the House."
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain
to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US
Government -- $40,000."
Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her
what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you
come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"
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