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Today's jokes [7.10.08]

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What does an elephant use as a vibrator? 

     An epilectic. 


Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi's and 
coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the 
other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the
bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and 
asks her why she is drinking one Barcardi and coke and throwing the other 
one down her panties. She replies, "I just won the lottery and that's the
only cunt getting a drink out of me tonight!" 


Two blondes were facing each other with a lake between them. The first 
blonde wants to get to the other side so she yells to the otherblonde, 
"Hey! I want to get to the other side of the lake but I can't swim.
Please tell me how  you did this!"
The second blonde then  says, " But you ARE on the otherside!"


Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?

     Finger on chin I don't know. 

     Hits forehead Oh I get it! 


    Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six
   times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife
   shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who
   said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely
   introduced me to so charming a wife."
   During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
   luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
   second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
   "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
   white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
   The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her
   guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged
   if you would pin this on your white meat."
   Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood
   handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this
   is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she
   doesn't deserve to have any."
   James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in
   his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in
   later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major
   German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
   "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then
   added, "And he didn't understand me."
   Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
   pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening
   sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
   more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his
   hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock,
   leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
   Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,
   got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story
   circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by
   his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
   "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
   but not in the House."
   Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain
   to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
   unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
   the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US
   Government -- $40,000."
   Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her
   what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you
   come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"


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