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Today's jokes [6.27.08]

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   On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
   in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the
   parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"
   The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
   forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the
   parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you
   Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
   no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
   approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch,
   or I'll give you a slap."
   Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
   out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
   the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a
   lippy bastard!"


What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear? 

Your Mother...


A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the
next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it
doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to
figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill
standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be
one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's
in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to
think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and
Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I
can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest
you jack off.


Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a 
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no 
to everything."
"Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl replied.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on the
level about this."


A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,
he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said
Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long
line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the
executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the
guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!" 


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